Places that make me pause for thought

If you're lucky, once in a lifetime, you will live somewhere that makes your heart sing. For me the little town of Volcano, CA. does this.

This is the quintessential little town. It's north of Pine Grove and east of Sutter Creek in an old gold mining area. There are 100 (oops! I guess 3 more people move into town) folks in this charming town and it's at the 2053 ft. elevation. It snows here but usually not enough to shut down transportation in and out. Please go to this Amador County site for more information.

This is the St. George Hotel. It's the biggest building in town and, although we've never stayed there, we have eaten there many times. It's just a beautiful old hotel and is the first building that you see as you drive into town. It's for sale, if you're interested.

I think this is the most wonderful Saloon. It's attached to the hotel and is one of the "hot" spots in town.

All the buildings are old and most are made of stone because of the fires and because they have an abundance of rock in the area.
We lived here for 3 years before we built a house down near Jackson. We lived a few miles above the town off of  a road called Shakeridge, on the way to the famous Daffodil Hill.
It was a beautiful place to live and if we had not already bought this land that we live on now we would be living up there somewhere. Every time I drive up into this area I feel like I'm coming back to a very special place. It has been 12 years since we left, but I can still see Rosie (an old timer who lived in town)  waving from the bench out in front of the little grocery store on Main Street. She was the one woman welcoming committee in town. She's gone now, but I'm sure her ghost is still walking around town somewhere.
_______________
Saturday was my Birthday. I have decided to make as little of this as possible. It seems to work better than celebrating with cakes and gatherings. So, I had accepted an invitation from a friend that still lives on Shakeridge to go to a Christmas Luncheon with her above Pine Grove at her church. I picked her up at her house which needs to be on a house and garden tour. It's so charming.

"J" is a very humble woman who would never want to show off, but I think it's one of the most charming homes I've ever seen. The dog adds to the ambiance and greets everyone like a long lost friend.
I lust for that potting shed in J's backyard. They bought it at Lowes and they added some gingerbread to it and painted it... and put a deck around it. Oh be still my beating heart. I love this little shed.

We packed up some food and drove back to Pine Grove and to the church.
The Luncheon was lovely. "J" had decorated her own table, one of seven, for the luncheon.  She made little gingerbread ornaments for everyone at her table and  invited other ladies to sit with us.

Mind you, I don't go to church very often and this is a very heavy bible centered church so I was waiting for lightening to strike when I walked into the front part of the church...... but lo and behold, nothing happen. I guess God knows my heart is in the right place ( this is the "closet catholic" speaking from somewhere.)  and all the questions and good investigative study I've done on this subject have been considered by him... her...this eminent, infinite light of the universe. I've been told that I have an intellectual syndrome about religion. That I need to just let go and have faith. Well..... That's a different, very long, post for another time.
Just the fact that all these women accepted me with handshakes and smiles..... and the fact that lightening didn't strike me, tells me that no matter what the outcome of my search, there is good in most everyone and that most folks who have THE ANSWER seems to be very accepting of those who don't.
I had a great time and the food was wonderful. In the end, I was given a small book called Our Daily Bread....

This little book brought back memories of my Grandmother who would always give me one to read when I visited her in Napa.  Sometimes she would send them to me with a note about God and how I should always be aware of a higher power that loved me. To this day I believe that all the beauty in this world and what my Grandma and my Mom taught me about nature and life, is a big part of what this eminent light is that we call God. It's has to do with knowing you're not alone in this world and it has to do with love.... unconditional love. I get it! I think the rest is about togetherness and confirmation and the need for sharing the belief that someone came here to save us from our sins. This is where I come to the intersection with all the red lights. I love the feeling of religion, and the music, and the celebrations, but when it comes right down to it I think there are still some pieces of the puzzle missing and, like a lot of other choices in life, I accept what makes this life, here on earth, more palatable.... not blindly but with much thought. This will all come to a show down or maybe just dust to dust..... some day in the near future. I'm not sure what will happen. Maybe I will be commended for my doubt.
If not, I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do.....

I had a wonderful time at the luncheon and then I drove my friend back to her house, said Merry Christmas to some of the locals.....

drove back through Volcano.......

....... into Pine Grove and down to Jackson.
I was tired. The Prospector had planned on taking me out to dinner but we decided to go out on Sunday evening instead, so I curled up with my knitting and listening to the rain outside and felt very safe.
Life can be so wonderful sometimes.
Today I'm home with a cold. I knew it was coming. It least I don't have to go to work anymore. I remember days when I did and how awful it was to call in sick when so much had to be done. The children would have to deal with a substitute and their routine would be changed. We are all special children and we all deal with changes in our routine. Life does that. I'm taking my medicine and resting a lot. I'm so fortunate to be a part of my own life.... trying to understand what all of THIS means and having the fortitude to keep reaching and asking questions.
In my heart I know that William Carlos Williams was right when he said...
"so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens."
Life is as complicated and as simple as that......
______________
p.s. Please no long comments on religion..... just short and to the point. But please do comment. I know I have opened a can of worms here but I'm not asking for help or arguments. Peace to you all.....

Murphy, Oh Murphy

"Murphy? Look at me boy. What's the matter?"

This was behavior that I was familiar with . My father, when upset with us, would stop talking. It could last from an hour to many days. it was his way of dealing with the incessant demands of being a father..., and, always, when he was angry about something.
But, this was a GOAT.
"Murphy? don't be like this. You mustn't turn away for lack of words. Tell me what's wrong."

Without moving from between the two oak trees he turned his head and said, in a low and quiet voice...
"Bopethewyllysia bod o'r gouau." His eyes were filled with love and understanding. I knew, then, that this was not about my father at all. It was about Murphy and his ability to understand things; to feel things that other goats didn't.
Even though he had a rudimentary command of the English language, I always thought that English was not his "first" language. When he was a little goat and he was in his learning to dance stage, he would say words like "wydth" and "mewn". Beautiful sounding words that sang from him, like musical lyrics to some ancient song, while he danced around the goat yard. I laughed, with the other goats, saying that Murph' was "being mythical" and that he was "speaking in the other tongue." He always seems to be from another place.

Now he was telling me something that he couldn't say in English and I didn't understand.
"Bopethewyllysia bod o'r gorau" There it was again and then ..., he slowly walked over to me......

Murphy looked up at me and, in the language of his life now, said...
"Everything will be alright, Farmlady."
I reached down and touched this beautiful animal; this quiet, sometimes distant animal that seems so different from the rest. He let me rub his ears and neck, watching me intently.
"Thank you, sweetie. I know it will."
and without the other goats vying for attention as they usually do..., Murphy nuzzled my hand and whispered "Cara 'ch", and a breeze came through the oak tree, circled around me like arms; protective, loving...., and then moved in wider circles until it disappeared into the hills beyond. I heard this voice once more before it was gone, only this time it wasn't Murphy's. It was my mother voice, within the circle of wind , saying "I love you, my daughter. Everything will be alright."

Goat talk

"Hi Brownie."
"You've been gone for a long time, Farmlady."
"I know. I missed all of you. "
"Where have you been?
"Well, Brownie, my Mom died and I had a lot to do down where she use to live."
"I'm sorry, Farmlady. Did she eat something that made her sick?"
" No, she just got old and it was her time."
"Is it my time yet?"
"No, baby. You're going to live for a long time."
"Oh, good."

"Hello Frecks. How's my beautiful goat today?"
"Hello, Farmlady. I'm sorry to hear about your Mother. The Prospector told us what happen. He had tears in his eyes one morning when he came out to feed us. He said she was a wonderful lady."
" She was, Frecks, she was."
" Well, please don't be too sad. We goats don't stay with our mothers so we don't form attachments."
"Maybe it's better that way."
"No farmlady, I don't think so. I still remember someone who nursed me and licked my eyes. I think she was beautiful. I think that I would like to see her again."

"Oh Frecks. We all miss the memory of the early years, don't we? Your so sweet. I'll bet that she was just as beautiful as you remember.

"Then remembering is a good thing, Farmlady? Sometimes it makes me sad."

" Try to remember the good things, sweetie. It's the good memories that we need. Even if they make you a little sad, it's OK. as long as they make you feel warm inside."
"Yes, I have warm inside of me. It must be a good memory."
"That's why you're such a wonderful goat, Frecks, because you had a loving mother."

Hey Murphy. What are you hiding behind the tree for?"
SILENCE
"Murphy? I missed you. What's the matter?"
SILENCE

(to be continued)

A Lovely Goodbye

I am home again. There is a difference inside of me. I haven't sorted out all the feelings yet.

The Memorial, last Monday, was so lovely. The blue sky, with it's gray and white clouds moving quietly across the landscape, were beautiful and protecting.
All of Mom's friends and relatives were there as we said goodbye.
A priest gave the memorial service. A poem was read, a neighbor talked of memories and we all touched the container before it was put into the earth.

We drove back to my Mom and Dad's house and had lunch. All the folks that she loved were there, in her home, eating and having a good time: Some inside, some out in the backyard. Everyone had a story to tell about this woman we called "Mom". I know that she was there, somehow, listening to the conversation and the classical music.
She loved this house and loved it even more when it was filled with people and good food.
It was a wonderful conclusion to our Mother's life.







Her cat, Honey, was watching from the fence behind the old oak. We have been feeding her for all the months that Mom has been gone from the house. Honey stays...., waiting. She eats and looks around but won't let anyone get near her. She seems OK and continues to live, at least primarily, in Mom's backyard. We see her across the street and in front of the house where she then disappears for the day, returning at night to sleep in the safety of the garage.
We are not sure what to do about her. My son and his family will be moving in next month, which is a wonderful development and we are hoping, with a little encouragement , that she will become this family's new cat.
We can only hope.....

A Dream

I had a dream about my father early this morning. ...,

It's been almost a year and a half since he died. I never had a dream about him after he passed. It seemed as though he just disappeared from the earth and my sight. The only place that I found him was in my heart and in all the memories, good and bad, that lingered in his place. And then, this morning I had this dream....

He was waiting for us in some kind of park. There were other people walking around. It was a fair or outdoor show. I saw him over near the wall of a building behind a planter that had beautiful flowers blooming in it. He seems to be waiting. He was just standing there, smiling just a little. I walked over and asked him if he was all right. He said "Yes" and we hugged each other. I could feel his bones through his skin as I held him. I felt short, as if I were a young girl. I was hugging him around his waist instead of his shoulders. He hugged me back but he seemed frail and weak. He asked me where everyone was and I said "I'm not sure." We looked around but couldn't see anyone we knew. So we just waited there together and I held on to his hand.

That was all. I woke up. When I went into the kitchen I still felt like I wasn't quite awake; that I was still somewhere else. My husband came in and looked at me. "Mornin', you look like you need a cup of coffee." I told him that I had a dream about Dad. He came over, gave me a hug and said "Are you all right?". I held on to him and cried for a few minutes then grabbed a kleenex, poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down on the couch.
I sat there for quite a while, sipping coffee and thinking about the dream. I think it was a good dream and that Dad is Ok. I just don't know why this dream came now...., or why we dream..., or what the dream meant. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.