The Passion of doing something...

I'm going to talk about passion today. Not the Passion that is capitalized. Not the strong feelings  as distinguished  from  reason.
I'm talking about passion for an  artistic life.
Passion for other humans is overrated and chancy at best. I'm beyond taking that risk. I'm beyond being a "groupie" for anyone. My passions are limited to small wonders and learning something well within the context of my life.
This brings me to knitting and felting.
(If you thought this post was going to be x-rated or questionable in nature... relax.)

I always thought that passion was something like this...
"We cannot be sure of having something to live for unless we are willing to die for it." ~Ernesto "Che" Guevara~ .
But for me there was never a passion that I wanted to die for, so I thought that I didn't have one.
I had many interests, hobbies and things that made me feel good, but never something that I would ".. die for".
Yes,I would have died for my children and grandchildren but so far, with luck, I never had to make that decision. The passion that I waited for was just not there.... or so I thought.
Now, I realize that I have had passion all along. I just had the wrong definition. My passion was more of a general and diverse passion for what was around the corner... what was over the next hill.. the grass on the other side of the fence sort of passion. I guess it was a drive more than a passion.
 As Einstein said, "I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." Although I do think that I have some "special talents", I really think that the main one is an insatiable curiosity. 

So I find myself in one place, fifteen years in one place, and now
 I have had an epiphany. 
One word...passion... that was written in an email this morning gave me pause for thought. A comment that made me express an idea that confirmed my belief in the strange mystery I call My life.

I take photos.

I knit.

I dry my felting on top of the ivy, in the sun,

because it's beautiful.

I yearn for the possibilities of new yarn.

 I want to dig in my  garden and not wear gloves. 

I want to create something beautiful. 

I want to feel the earth in my hands.

I have passions for a lot of things. It's a quite passion that doesn't make a lot of money and has to do with continuity and beauty.

 It's about seeing something from a distance...

And then going inside.

Seeing the water flow into a planter...

  and waiting for it to come out at the bottom.

And being there to see it drip.

This is a passion of time... and place... and life.

I know now that I was waiting for passion in all the wrong places and expecting too much.

I wanted it to happen as it did in the movies. I wanted something big, with heavy breathing , but what I really wanted was to capture my love... in a photo, to learn a new knitting pattern, be with my family, read a good book, plant a garden, feed a goat, find something new and different.

  And tell someone about it.

That's my passion.

Simple.

Unique.

Me.

Winter Weed with Diamond Raindrops

Life is so mysterious.

It is filled with drops of exquisite beauty and barbed moments of pain.

Sometimes there are signs in the mud that something is coming or has been there... waiting to bring chaos.

There are trails that are slippery and steep and we don't know if we should try to use them.

 We get caught in our lives and we feel that we are the only ones who are dealing with this pain and confusion.

We don't understand how others could live their lives as if everything is all right.

We isolate ourselves in our houses...

 

  And fear the "wild river" that we can't seem to contain,

where life moves swiftly over stones unseen.

Until ...

We see the evidence before us.

 Plain truth... without thought.

It's not here.... on a old sign post, 

 fighting the possibility that something is coming... bringing suffering with it... trying to protect ourselves from what hasn't happen yet.

But it might be here...

 Or here... in the grateful eyes of animals... and friends, and relatives.

And even here...

Because life is everything and each being has an assignment that we need not interfere with.

So I will try to let go of tomorrow and busy myself with the moment at hand.

My first resolution of the year: 

Life is an impermanent experience that I will try to accept and understand, but also try to see without being afraid.... without fighting or misunderstanding the experience.

I love this analogy... ( from "It's Easier Than You Think" by S. Boorstein)

She writes:

The Familiar image is a children's cartoon character, like Daffy Duck, walking along freely and suddenly stepping into taffy. In a hasty, awkward attempt to extricate himself, he might fall forward and backward and eventually be totally stuck in the taffy. Even children see a better solution.

The best solution would be the nonalarmed recognition, " This is taffy. I didn't see it as I stepped into it, but I felt it after I got stuck. It's just taffy. the whole world is not made out of taffy. what would be a wise thing for me to do now?"

I will try to not get stuck in fearful things that haven't happen. I will try to be less frightened about what my mind creates.

Finally... a few more resolves:

I will not get trapped in my "story" and  live my life with regret.

I will suffer. I wish I didn't have to, but I will.

I will be kinder to myself.

I will not cling to my own suffering.

I will start a journey of happiness at any moment of the day.

It's a beginning...

Apology to the Goat Boys

A week after the fire that could have taken everything that we love, I made an attempt to apologize to the goats. I've felt so awful about the fact that we left them here and even though everything turned out well... it could have been a disaster.
I believe that life should be lived vertically and in the moment but my beginners mind is still feeling guilt for leaving the goats that day and I have wanted to discuss this feel with them.
When I went out to the goat house this morning they rushed in thinking I was going to feed them but I told them that I wanted to tell them something.
This was the response...

Murphy looked at me and said, " No food? Then what is it you want ?"
"I've come to apologize." I said.
"Why Farmlady?"
"Because we did a terrible thing. We left you when the fire was here and I've felt so awful that I couldn't even talk about it before now."
I got a lump in my throat. My eyes got watery. "I just need to talk about it."
"It's not necessary Farmlady." They walked outside and away from me.
I went around to the fence...

"Murphy, please come over here."

"OK Farmlady. I'm coming." He walked with a halting movement that I interpreted as reserved and resentful.
He took his time...

He stopped for a minute, switched a fly away and then walked over to me. The others followed Murph' and  finally they all came over to the fence and the red feeder.

Murphy spoke first.
"Are you going to feed us again. The Prospector already fed us this morning but we won't mind if you want to feed us too."
"I wasn't planning on giving you food, Murph'. I wanted to say something about why we left you last week, when the fire was so close."
Murph' looked up and me and said "OK."
"Well, I'm trying not to make excuses but the fire was very close. We needed to evacuate and it needed to be done fast. In those moments when these decisions were made, we thought that there would not be enough time to try and load all four of you into the back of the truck. We thought you would panic and we didn't have the right equipment to make this happen fast and efficiently. I'm so sorry we left you here. It breaks my heart to think what might have happen to you."
Murph' gave me that "magic goat" look and said, " But it didn't happen. The fire didn't come and what might have happen didn't. You are damaging the present by letting something that didn't happen, or could have happen, make you sad today."
I looked at Murph' and Freckles, who was standing there moving his head up and down in agreement.
Murph' continued...
"Farmlady, you don't have to apologize to anyone. The circumstances of that day were just what they were. No amount of feeling bad will change what happen and what you did in response was what you needed to do. We are fine."
I looked into those amber eyes.
There was no animosity.... no what if. No anger.
There was  only NOW.
"Do you have any food for us?", Murphy asked again.
Bart walked over when he heard the word 'food'.
Brownie kept his distance and then started walking toward us.

I went into the goat house and took a half flake of hay from the corner of the shed. I brought it out and stuck it through the fence into the feeder. They started eating.  Brownie dived in even when Bart pushed him away.
I rubbed each head and each beautiful ear.
"I'm so glad that you are OK."

"I'm trying to live in the moment but the flames of the fire come back to haunt me. The "what ifs" worm their way into my thoughts. I watch for plumes of smoke on the road below and constantly look out the windows checking for fire.
I can't answer questions about why we didn't do something to save the goats. Why we didn't open the gates. Why we left them. I can only say what we did in that moment of stark fear. There were no choices that we could make at the time.
My heart is still sad even though everything turned out all right.
So, I listened to Murphy... the small voice in my head that carries the commentary that constantly speaks to me... that makes up stories... that gives words to all the creatures in my life. This never goes away.
***********
I could hear the small noises of satisfaction and the munching of the hay in their mouths. Murphy pulled a bunch of hay to the ground and ate from it. None of the others bothered him.

He is the wise, magical goat that speaks with astute understanding of the inept human beings in his life.

And this human being knows that her life without these animals would not be what is it... a joy.
I still apologize to them. I still think about the "what ifs". I still think that the circumstances could have been so different and horrible but.... I can't stay in that place anymore. I need to move on.

My shadow will be gone from this place someday...

So I'm going to live every moment. without regret or anger, breathing in and breathing out, so that the "journey" itself  is more important than where I'm going.


PEACE...