I woke up early this morning. Got my cup of coffee and went out to water the front garden. Then I came in and fixed myself one of my favorite breakfasts..., toast with blue cheese and apple juice. ( My Dad use to call it "stinky cheese" but he loved it too. ).
Sitting in the rocking chair, I think about the last few weeks and how I could be getting ready to leave for the Bay Area this morning instead of sitting here with my dogs and blue cheese on toast. It's funny how things change. Life takes on a different pace. Nothing seems eminent, pending..., on the edge.
We are planning a Memorial for Mom on the 14th of September and there are things to do for this final goodbye..., but the fear is gone. The pain and waiting is over for her..,she is safe and life is still here. We are still here. The animals need feeding, the garden needs water; family still requires love and attention, but there is a peace; a stillness in my heart.
I go inside..., into my bedroom to change into some clothes and walking shoes. Carl is running in circles because he knows that I'm preparing to take him for a walk and he is crazy with excitement. The sun is coming in through the window over our bed.
I remember a time, long ago, when I thought I would never see this moment; when I thought I wouldn't live another day or week or year. It was a time of sickness and fear. And yet, here I am.
I wrote this poem, then, and it seems like I wrote it this morning. Standing here in the sunlight of my bedroom, in my little home on this foothill mountain top, I realize that life just is..., and acceptance of it, with all of it's uncertainty, is what success is all about.
Success
Look how it shines
through
the window;
shimmering through
leaves on trees.
making patterns
on my window,
making shine
on my face.
Look, as it slowly comes
through
lace curtains.
Making patterned light
on my painted walls.
Look, beyond the forest
where the world opens
and light shines through;
making happiness
in my heart;
knowing
it will come again....,
tomorrow.
C.C. 1985
