"Sometimes I go about in pity...."

I think that I have finally learned something, about myself, after all these years of living. In my younger days I thought that being pretty was going to get me somewhere. I wanted to be a model. I wanted to be Twiggy but I couldn't get that skinny. I liked to eat.
I wanted to make a lot of money but I didn't want to work very hard for it. I wanted weekends off and I wanted to do things at my own pace. I didn't know the difference between hard work and looking like I was working hard.... and I whined a lot.
I got married and had children.  Then my life got more complicated.
I wasn't "the girl who wanted to be a model" anymore.
I was (OMG!)...a mommy. I had to be responsible.
I didn't feel like a grownup but I was acting like one... like my mother... and since she was always a great example and did everything perfectly, I just did what she did (only a bit differently) and that seemed to work.
It took me a few years to assimilate into this new status (of being a mother) but I did and now I had another reason not to do the things I really wanted to do. I was busy being a mother. There was always something that didn't get done because "I had children to take care of.".
Then something happened.The funny thing was that the more I worked at being a mother, the more it became a part of me. The more I payed attention and accepted where I was , the easier it got.
Finally I realized that I was here... right where I was suppose to be and that life was good. As the old song goes,
'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right
,'Twill be in the valley of love and delight
.When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come round right.
("Simple Gifts" was written by Elder Joseph while he was at the Shaker community.)
I love this song. It's kind of centers me and puts me in the moment.
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So, let's talk about life and death.
Why am I writing about some of these personal insights? What's my point?
Well, it's because I have decided that my life is really, really good and I want to share it with someone.
Maybe the earthquake in Japan brought this observation to the surface. Maybe it is the thought of losing my family, near San Francisco, in a large earthquake that put things into perspective. This kind of tragedy can happen anywhere.
So to me, "coming down, where we ought to be." means living in the  moment and seeing what our life really is. Accepting all of it and changing only the things that are necessary to make it better.
That sounds so simple.
It's not.
If it was.... everyone would be walking around smiling and doing what they really want to do, making lots of money and living in beautiful homes.  But this doesn't happen to everyone and I suspect it takes a lot more hard work than we think it does.
Life is not easy for most of us. Every person is going through something different and difficult. But I think that somewhere, in each moment that we live, there is an answer. 
We are born in a single moment and we die in a single moment. We are here and then we are not here. We are breathing and then we cease to breath. All the rest is "now"...
  Now,we can choose not to suffer. We can choose to look for the beauty.

 It's always there. It's the smile on a child's face. It's the way light filters through a window. It's finding a beautiful and perfect wildflower. It's a friend's understanding, a partner's kiss... laughter
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I wanted to be a "model". I wanted to be famous, or write a book, or be a fine actress, or sing songs. Now I see that I actually did these things.... in many different ways. The talent was channeled in many directions.
 I think that , as the old Zen saying goes, I have "Caught the vigorous horse of [my] mind." At the very least, I have found a nice corral for it.
Peace to all of you.....

Breathing a sigh of relief.

This photo of my nephew was taken almost a year ago. I love this photo of him. He and I were keeping company for the day and I decided to take him for a drive out to Saint Mary's College in the Moraga hills. We drove around the campus and then we parked in front of the soccer field to take some pictures.  It was a day I remember with fondness because it was a rare day when I felt like I saw him in a different light. He finally said "Go home?" and so we did.
Ben is 16 years old and has just been through a very confusing week. His operation to repair a detached and torn retina was successful, but the few days after the surgery were very hard on him. He didn't understand why this has happen so it was very confusing for him. He had a couple of really scary days. So did his parents. When I left yesterday he was sitting on the sofa, looking out the window and saying "C go home?" and I said "Yes, Ben, I have to go home today." He didn't want a kiss, but I got a couple of tentative teenage hugs from him when I arrived so I figured I was way ahead of the game. Kisses are for babies, you know.
He has seen the doctor twice since the operation and things are OK. He will wear a patch until he has the lens put back into his eye. Now, he and his parents can, hopefully, get some rest and  at least put the worry of this operation behind them.
Thanks to all of you who sent good wishes to Ben. That will come back to you in so many ways. I really appreciate the sweet comments.  Blogging comments are kind of like candles that are kept lit while you are away dealing with other important issues in your life. Thanks for the lit candles.

I stayed an extra day so I could spend some time with my oldest son "M" who lives in Oakland. I'm glad I did this. I got to see the work that's being done on his house. We went to dinner, and spent a wonderful evening at IKEA....seriously. IKEA is an amazing store. It's an EVENT that you have to experience. It was just the kind of day I love. I will tell you about it tomorrow
 I will tell you about staying overnight with my grand kids. We "builded" forts in the living room, raked leaves in the backyard and rode bikes to the school. It gave my son "J" and my daughter-in-law an overnight vacation at the ocean. They deserve it.
 I drove home yesterday afternoon and was greeted by my Prospector and two wild Corgis. It was all good. So today.... "Noni" is going to sit quietly and do nothing.... for the whole day. Today, Farmlady is going to be "at one" with the farm.